Copy Cat

I don't know how to start a blog post because I have never written one before. It is hard enough to find me tweeting or posting anything on Facebook, mostly because I haven't felt I've had much to say. All that being said, I've been reading my friend Alex's blog for about half a year now and it occurred to me that this might be a beneficial form of communication for my close friends and family about my life and where I'm at. 

So where am I at? Well, right now I am sitting in Colorado Springs in my boyfriend's basement with a nasty head cold and nothing to do, so I thought I'd try this. As I'm typing, I am realizing how draining and odd it is to asymmetrically communicate with a virtual audience. It is also difficult to talk about myself and what I think. In continuation of the theme of this post, I'll touch on something Alex brought up that is a common theme of the new year season: my personal goals. 

I love goals. I love obligation. I love independence. I love responsibility. Sometimes I love these things too much, and I realize how funny it is that some of my goals involve prioritizing goals and the goal to put other goals aside. Sometimes I am so consumed by goals that I think I lose myself in them and I can't tell if what I say I want is what I really want or what I think I want or what I think I should want. I am addicted to setting agendas, plans, and standards for myself, so much so that it becomes this chain of obligations whose original purpose I cannot trace. I love time-filling. When I attended therapy in high school, I was always uncomfortable at first with the long minutes of silence that often occur in counseling. But I am also afraid of silence in real life too. So here is my goal for this year and beyond: I would like to learn how to sit alone with myself and my thoughts. I would like to be able to have true introvert time. I would like to be able to worry about nothing. I would like to be able to be in the moment without thinking "what comes next?"

As I learned in my graduate application process, I do not have the talent of ending things. Luckily, I don't have to count on you all for acceptance. Whenever I come to look at this next, be it next year or after I forget about this blog in two weeks, I will likely cringe at this and take it down. Until now, it stays. 

Happy new year.